Last week I was feeling very angry. I don’t tend to be a person who gets angry – or at least I didn’t think I was.
I always saw anger as a destructive emotion and I think at some level I felt that as a “nice person” anger really was not something that was appropriate for me. How wrong I was. 
Anger is an emotion – it’s a feeling and like all of our emotions it has a purpose. Our emotions tell us when something is wrong and that we need to take action. We may need to express how we feel, change our attitude or walk away from the situation, deal with our anger and move on.
It is only when the fire of our anger dies down and we are left with the cold ashes that we can begin to let go, forgive and move on. When we carry anger around with us it drains our energy and makes us feel miserable.
The problem with anger is that no one really tells us how to handle it. We can go down the route of handling the annoyance assertively and pointing out to the other person what we feel.
“I feel that you are not listening to me and that you are taking my contribution for granted.”
There are a couple of problems with this. Number one – we don’t tend to do it! We don’t want to hurt people by telling them that we are not happy with their behaviour. We go along with things as they are. We are big enough- we can handle it. We certainly don’t want to seem as if we are complaining and making an “unnecessary” fuss.
The second problem with pointing out your displeasure is that you don’t know how the other person will react. What if they explode into an angry rage? How will you handle that? How will you deal with their disappointment or embarrassment.
What if they think that you are a bit of a drama queen for wanting things “your way”? What if you really are over reacting?
Yes we are afraid of confrontation. - But what is the alternative?
I don’t recommend my route. Normally I am quite good at being assertive in most situations. For some misguided reason on this occasion I said nothing. Well that’s not strictly true – I moaned to anyone that would listen about the unfairness of the situation, my worries for the future…… Oh poor me!
Did I express any of this to the one person who could help change it? No!
So the resentment of months built up until the pressure in the bottle became too great and the cork popped. Suddenly at some level I believed the other person should have realised how unreasonable and thoughtless they were being.
I didn’t explode into an angry rage but I had gone past the point where I was either willing or able to negotiate a compromise – so I am now one Face Book friend down. Perhaps we would have drifted apart anyway but drifting may have felt better.
There is nothing “nice” about avoiding confrontation.
Taking the passive route as I did in an attempt to avoid confrontation can be as destructive as handling anger aggressively by screaming, shouting and throwing things. The other person is left very confused, disappointed and angry because after all you have condoned their behaviour for months and now suddenly that behaviour is no longer acceptable.
You see I think Thumper’s father in Bambi had it wrong. If you can’t say nothing nice – work out what you are unhappy about and do say something. Follow your emotions and express your anger appropriately – it will clear the air and will often allow the relationship to grow.
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Hi! Thats a really great posting and it was oddly “needed” for me to read right now! Its always so strange how that happens!
Thanks for the great advice!
Michael
CCO OutMaturity.com
This is great advise here. I have never really had a problem confronting anyone with any issue. I have learned quite a bit about doing it, though. If you scream and yell, you do not get your point across, you just anger the other person. If you use “you” at the beginning of your confrontation it can put the other person on the defense. Great advise, thank you!
This post actually helped me understand some of the prevailing issues I have with my mother. A few years ago (in my mid-to-late 30′s), I started stating my displeasure with her critical and controlling attitude. I thought being a “good daughter” meant brushing it off and crying alone.
I perceived her emotional reactions as her unwillingness to stop – her loss of control. From this post, I can entertain the possibility that I let it go too long and she simply feels rejected – in fact, too rejected to consider that her behavior has been so hurtful for so long.
Footnote: I agree with the idea that starting sentences with “you” is a quickie way to make somebody defensive. Perhaps I took too long to figure that out.
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