What is reality? This question is puzzling me – it has been ever since I was told by my husband to “get real”!
My husband is a man who calls a “spade a spade” whereas in his view I tend to call it a manual earth moving appliance.
The “get real” comment arose after our car failed its MOT (annual road worthiness test). The garage told us why it had failed and also suggested that we should consider having work done to the brakes – although the brakes had not caused the car to fail the test.
My husband’s immediate reaction – the garage is trying to get more money out of us – they are “at it”.
My reaction – the garage have given us timely information – great service.
What does reality mean?
The dictionary defines reality as “existing as a thing or occurring in fact” This suggests to me that reality is a definitive thing – it’s either real or it’s not – I am right or I am wrong. But as I listen to my lovely husband rant passionately and imagine his blood pressure rising I wonder how we can have such a different take on the same incident.
By this point I am beginning to agree with the late John Lennon that:-
“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.”
I am also forming the opinion that a quote I read on Ben Lumley’s site is very true.
“You are the Architect of you own reality” Tim Brownson
Is one person’s reality another person’s joke?
I listen to the pain in my daughter’s voice as she tells me of the discovery of her first grey hair and I find it comical. To her it is the harbinger of impending crows’ feet, senility and probably incontinence too. Her grey hair is real but her angst and concern over her premature aging for me is unreal and very amusing and yet it is a serious matter for her. Perhaps dear Reader I am being cruel.
Would the owner of the real reality please stand up!
I have been coaching clients in Edinburgh who have been made redundant. The reality of the situation is that they no longer hold the position or job that they did. However that is the only part of the reality of the situation which they share.
One client, let’s call him Bob, saw redundancy as a fact of life which needed to be addressed. He did feel shocked and disappointed with the news but after a short period of mourning for his loss, his attitude to redundancy was about rolling up his sleeves and getting on with life. He has spent the last few months looking for jobs and also examining how he can use his knowledge and skills to set up his own business.
He has been proactively looking for a new venture and believes that something good and exciting is out there for him. At the moment he is in the position where he has an offer of another job and also a business plan to set up and run his own company. Now he has a choice and the world is opening up for him.
Another client, Jen, sees the reality of the situation as a very unfair disaster. She is in her early forties but believes that she will never get another job at the same level because she is too old. “It is a young woman’s world” she tells me.
Jen is talented but she is absorbed by the unfairness of her situation. She is not even looking for vacancies at her previous level of employment. Instead she goes to interviews where the feedback is consistently that she is too well qualified and experienced for the position. She does not regard this as an indication that she should be aiming higher. For her, she tells me that it is only code for “too old” or a nice way of saying that she is not suitable.
For Jen feels that she is running out of options, she is carrying around a lot of anger because she was chosen for redundancy in the first place. It should have been someone else and there is a part of Jen that feels she has no control of the situation and therefore no choices.
What does your reality look like?
David G. Myers said: – “There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values.”
My clients have most definitely taken the reality of redundancy and viewed it in very different ways.
I believe we are indeed the architects of our own reality. The tools and materials we use to shape our reality are our beliefs, attitudes and values.
However can I ask you:-
Is your reality fit for purpose?
Does your reality support, motive you and inspire you?
Is your reality holding you back and painting a shadow over your life?
Where did your beliefs and attitudes come from and do they really serve you now?
Take some time to consider my questions and then ask yourself – Are you happy with your reality or is it time for a remodel?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Marion,
Sometimes our reality and others perceptions of same situation do not agree. I too often wonder at the “get real” words. I have been told this and I have told to others too but reality is what we make it out to be.
For some me wanting to stay home or be with my kids is not facing reality, but I tell them so spend a day in my shoes to see how hard and real it is.
Loved this one and your lovely guest post too.
Hi Preeti
It is quite interesting to find that people don’t see our reality as real. Our reality is very real and as you say if someone walked a day our moccasins they might understand the beliefs, values and attitudes that have got us to where we are.
The great thing about this realization for me is – although I might not understand someone’s reality I will respect it and I won’t make someone wrong.
Thanks for your lovely comments
Marion
Hi Marion,
I am smiling as I type this comment. I chuckled when I read, “Would the owner of the real reality, please stand up!” I am still laughing, because I visit many self-improvement sites and read an assortment of realities. I have my own too, of course, that is unique to me and my life. I believe that as your daughter matures, she will catch up to her gray hair and crows feet. I think that we must discover hard times in order to overcome one reality and move on to another. Sometimes it requires a significant amount of personal growth but with time we all begin to notice the gray (no pun intended) in between. In any situation, it is healthy if we think of what we have to gain rather than thinking about what we have to lose. I wonder at what age, we begin to view the universe as black and white.
Hi Sandra
I am coming to the conclusion that a right or a wrong answer only exists in basic maths. However we have our own personal right or wrong answers because we know what is a fit for us. The only problem arises when we want someone to agree with our answers.
When we start to examine our beliefs and attitudes, perhaps noticing that some are no longer appropriate, that is when we grow. I think that is the point when we realize that the universe is many colours and shades – not just black and white.
Thank you for you comment Sandra
Marion,
Great post! I loved the line, “Will the real reality please stand up?”
Perception is reality for each of us.
It’s apparanant in the way you and your husband viewed what the mechanic told you at the garage about the brakes on your car.
I like to see my reality as open and boundless and full of good – so those are the lenses I wear.
Hi Angela
Our reality does depend on how we perceive things. Yet again though, we still base our perceptions on our beliefs and attitudes. I love the description of your reality as open and boundless. It is interesting to try and describe it but here goes – I think the filters I use for my reality are optimism, empathy and trust.
I wounder how others would describe their reality?
Thanks for stopping by
Marion
Hi Marion,
The examples of your clients are perfect… to different realities for the same situation. One takes on a “woe is me” victim mentality… the other is an empowering “wow is me!”
One of the biggest keys to our own happiness is realizing that everyone has their own reality and it is not up to you to fix or change it. It allows us to let others be and have compassion and acceptance for all humans… and thus, we do not take things personally.
Hi Rob
Oh I just love “woe is me – wow is me” I will use that one! Thank you.
As I grow I am very aware that everyone has their own reality and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “let others be and have compassion and acceptance for all humans… and thus, we do not take things personally”.
If you could bottle that you would have world peace serum.
Thanks for dropping by – great to see you
Marion
Hi Marion,
“Is your reality fit for purpose?” “Does your reality support, motive you and inspire you?”
Nope, and that’s a wonderful thing! If we feel our reality is perfect we would have achieved a point where no movement is needed, so we stop.
“Is your reality holding you back and painting a shadow over your life?”
That would depend in the point of view we have and if we want to “periodically review it” to tinker little changes according to the new needs.
“Where did your beliefs and attitudes come from…”
Originally they came from the borrowed reality from parents, then own experiences, to finally be the, let’s say, mathematical result of averaging: knowledge acquired, experiences in life and amount of purposely brain work done
“…and do they really serve you now?”
Never! Our own reality is like the latest electronic gadget in the market…as soon as we get it, it becomes outdated, so we have to keep working on it in order to make it our own reality.
“There’s nothing saddest than an unrealistic reality for what it can do to us, which is our own doing”
Raul
Hi Raul
I believe that your reality can serve you or can hold you back. As Rob said “Woe is me or Wow is me”. If our reality was perfect then I for one would probably one awful pain because my reality would be right (because it would be perfect) and yours would be wrong.
I agree with you on where our beliefs and attitudes come from and for that reason it is really great to review them to discover if they are fit for purpose.
I am not sure about reality being like an electronic gadget. I think reality takes time to dawn and is deep seated whereas I think about the life span of some new gadgets and they are over before they start.
Since I come from Scotland perhaps I could say that reality was like a malt whiskey which can take over 20 years to reach it’s best – the only problem with that analogy is – you can’t tinker with a malt when it is in the cask whereas if we are open we make minor adjustments to our reality as we interact with other and as we grow.
Thank you for stopping by and adding a new dimension to the discussion. Great to see you!
Marion
I think the key here is focus for me.
Reality is all around us and a unique experience for each individual. My map of the world is different to yours, as yours is different to mine. The crucial factor though isn’t how we perceive our realities but instead what we choose to focus on.
Bob and Jen experienced similar situations and even though they perceived the reality differently it was what they chose to focus on that made the different. Bob focussed on this being part of life and an opportunity to move forward, whereas Jen focussed on it being the end and that there were few options to take.
Focus is the key. We all perceive our realities different but it’s what we choose to focus on that makes the difference in what we get out of that reality.
Brilliant and thought provoking post!
Hi Ben
Thank you for your kind words. That is an interesting slant you bring to the conversation and a very valid one. If you focus on something you will look for it and you will find it. So in the case of my daughter not only will she spot more grey hairs she will find that first wrinkle too – because she is focusing on the less positive aspects of aging.
Yes I like that Ben. Thank you for adding this important ingredient to the discussion
Marion
What a fascinating post, Marion!
I suppose our “realities” give us our map of the world and allow us to engage with other people and situations with some kind of certainty. Shifting them, I guess, provides some kind of mismatch that will cause us either to want to hold on to our old picture because it’s safe, or reorient because we’ve allowed the shift to affect us somehow, hopefully positively.
I have been confronting a reality shift in myself just this week. Like you, I’m building a successful blog and coaching business. But only the other day I realised I was believing I could only ever expect to be a “B” list blogger. Checking my own reality, I got to seeing that I was putting a self-imposed glass ceiling above me. It may take work to get into the “A” list, but my beliefs are now pointing in the right direction!
Thanks for such a provocative read!
Hello Christine and welcome
Thank you for your lovely words.
Someone once told me that “the map is not the territory” and you have reminded me of this in your comment. We have our maps and then something happens and we discover that our map (our reality) is not quite as it seems.
I love your reality shift – from “B” list blogger to “A”. You are definitely making the move to Rob’s “Wow is me” reality. Good luck with this.
Thank you for dropping by
Marion