Even the most self confident person is not confident in every situation. It is totally natural to be apprehensive in a new situation. Sometimes a confident person may feel real fear. However there do seem to be some common traits that the confident possess.
One very common feature of a self confident person is that they don’t tend to worry about what others think of them. This does not mean that they are arrogant or have huge egos. In fact they tend to possess large quantities of humility.
At one time I believed that worrying about what the “neighbours” thought was a very Scottish thing. I have shared this thought with others over the years but we all share stories of not being allowed to do something whether it was to play outside on a Sunday, sunbathe in a bikini in the garden or come home after 9.00pm – all because of what the neighbours might think. You will probably have your own stories too.
Bring on the wise words of Olin Miller
“We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.”
How often to do think about what other people are doing? If you are honest about it you will find that you are too busy thinking about yourself and what is going on in your life to think about anyone else. When we are in our teenage years we are more aware of what others are doing, saying and wearing because at that stage we want to ensure that we are fitting in. As the years go by we stop doing that because we are far too busy living our own lives.
Here are some of the reasons that self confident individuals don’t worry about what others may or may not be thinking.
1. Self Confident people don’t need to be right and don’t worry about being wrong.
A self confident individual does not tend to apply fault and blame. They know that when something goes wrong there is little to be gained in attributing fault and blame. They don’t take things personally but instead they think about how to turn things around.
“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
When something goes wrong they don’t stand around looking embarrassed they can laugh at themselves and move forward. They will take responsibility for themselves and the parts of the situation they had some control over.
2. Self confident people don’t worry about gossip
My dad brought me up after my mother died. It was always important to him not to be a source of gossip. My dad never married again. He was a good looking, hard working man but to be seen talking to an eligible woman would start tongues wagging. My dad spent 30 years on his own whereas he could have found someone to share his life with.
A gossip will always find something to gossip about. They will always share their opinions about you, your good fortune or bad fortune no matter what. If there is nothing to talk about they will still speculate about you. There will always be those who will attempt to stir and cause problems- it is just the way they are.
Self confident people don’t worry about gossips – often because they don’t tend to gossip themselves. They don’t need to. They don’t need the bizarre satisfaction of spreading misery and are too busy getting on with their own lives.
3. Self confident people don’t mind read
If you want to find a way to stop worrying about what other people think and improve your self confidence at the same time then stop mind reading. You don’t know what someone else is thinking so stop trying to second guess them.
A person may say or do something which is unusual. They might be a bit short with you or walk past you without acknowledging you. If you find yourself wondering what you have done to upset them – you are mind reading. 
What others think is absolutely none of your business. If we were meant to know what others think we would have been born with cartoon thought bubbles above our heads for all to read.
4. Confident folk know that it does not matter what you think of them
I learned this lesson from my daughter. She was unhappy with a result in an exam at university. I told her not to be so hard on herself and that I was really proud of her and how far she had come. She looked at me and said
“Mum you would be proud of me no matter what because you love me. I need to be proud of me”.
Confidence is closely linked with self belief and self esteem. Yes it is nice to think that people approve of you and think well of you. Truly confident people understand that it is what you think of yourself that counts, not what other think of you.
“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves” - Sir Edmond Hillary
What do you think?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Marion,
I really liked the outline of this post. Two points, especially; gossip and mind reading. Mind reading opens us up to inner talk that can really take lots of energy. I think the only people who worry about gossip are the people who do it themselves, how else can they think someone would gossip. Self assured people have empathy for other people that helps them be understanding despite everything. Your confidence came through in your post.
Empathy – Thank you Sandra. That is the word that I missed in the post. Confident people do indeed have empathy for others.
Marion,
You are so right, confident people are not worried about what people think of them, and learn along the way.
Confident people know what they need to do and be humble. That is something to thrive for. We often get worried on what people will think.
Hi Preeti,
Thank you for the comment. You got me thinking.
I believe confident people know how to use and respect their integrity. They understand themselves and what behaviours are in line with who they truly are. With that in place they know they have their own guidance system and don’t need to constantly worry about their effect on others.
Marion: I really liked this post and it is so helpful to look at the best practices of people who are doing things in the right way. I really appreciated what you said about mind reading and it is so true that we always assume we know what other people are thinking, and then we end up jumping to conclusions, many of which are not grounded in reality. I can definitely see how it is a trait of self confident people to not mind read and to second guess other people. I think that really is a great trait to have. Great post and list.
Hi Sibyl
You are absolutely right when you say we jump to conclusions. The strange thing about conclusions is – they never seem to be in our favour. We seem to be able to slant them to ensure that it is our fault. That’s why I like the idea of listing all the other possible “reasons”. It shows me that there could be a whole plethora of reasons and not just that I have done something wrong.
You are spot on with this post! This is something I am learning these days. Once I used to be a “what does he/she think about me?” type of person. I mean I was always thinking of it. Before contacting anyone, before participating in things, I just kept thinking this. While a little bit of it still remains, I have learned a lot and your post also taught a lot about being confident!
Welcome Ishan
It takes time but confidence does grow. If you think of the 4 stages of learning:-
1. unconscious incompetent – we don’t know what we don’t know
2. conscious incompetent – we are aware of what we don’t know
3. conscious competent – we know but we require to be really aware to do it
4. unconscious competent – we do it naturally.
Sounds as if you are at the unconscious competent. A tiny bit of doubt may be around sometimes but you are flying high.
Thank you for your comment. Please come back and visit again
This is a great article. You outlined some of the attributes of a confident person. It is interesting though how sometimes people appear to be confident however are an insecure mess just beneath the surface. People who merely wear a mask of confidence will usually resort to quick anger or control when things don’t go their way. The key to confidence is self love, for once we truly love our self then there is no external element which can shake us.
Welcome Mark
You have got it in one. Often people look confident on the outside – or at least we think they do. Sometimes it could indeed be a mask, sometimes it is just arrogance and an ego that needs to be carried around in a wheelbarrow. Often confidence get a bad press but truly confident people are not arrogant nor do they have egos that need stroking. As you say “the key to confidence is self love, for once we truly love our self then there is no external element which can shake us”.
Thank you for your comment and please drop by again.
Marion
I really love love this article really good
i like to think am improving ib confidence i was quite shy now am starting to get much better though i need tons of more confidence. I have really horrible feelings a lot sometimes unease inside like a butterflyy feeling inside and i hate it so much even if am having a good day i worry about people how their going to treat me n a bit of fear from certain people who i think are better than me.
Lets take it in a very practical way. We worry about what others are thinking. We are human beings and well aware of right and wrong. So before we take any action our wisdom tells us whether its right or wrong. Now, once we are not wrong in most situations then why to bother what others are thinking about us??? We are meant to live our life on our own terms. If we are not wrong then we should never think what others are thinking about us. Have a mindset that we can never change what others could think of us. And by the way, that’s not our job. Rather we must focus on the ways we must respond intelligently and ethically in difficult situations. Live in your own world of peace.